I don’t like to talk about myself very often. I am always afraid that I will come off as narcissistic if I do. I don’t like being the center of attention, but sometimes I do need to talk about myself. Sometimes I do need to address issues by communicating with other people instead of letting it fester. That is why I have chosen this route to take in communicating my general problem, because so few people read any of the posts that aren’t patterns. So my issue will be out in the open, but probably no one will see it making me feel better and not burdening people with my problems.
I have mentioned in the past that I have bipolar, and that has a big impact on my life and the things that I do. Well right now I am entering the time of year that I get severely depressed. About a month from now it will be the 14th anniversary of my older sisters death, and while I have learned to cope with that it always will have an effect on my mood.
With my depression comes anxiety and paranoia. While I am sitting here typing this I am almost certain that most people find me annoying and want nothing to do with me. Most of the job opportunities that have come up for me in the past few weeks have fallen through, and I am left feeling useless.
I have been feeling ostracized by social groups that I hang around, and left to feel that they would be better off if I stopped attending. I know logically that this is my issue so I don’t bring it up, but I can’t emotionally reason that and it hurts.
This is part of the reason projects have been slow coming because when I get this way I can’t look at them. All I see is the flaws, the problems, the lack of any worth and want to destroy all of it. I didn’t, I put them away until I get out of this funk.
I need to keep myself busy, but lately that has been hard. I try to keep a positive outlook on things, and when I can’t I try to make it so other people don’t notice how badly I feel. I am hoping that this will help take away some of the sting of my emotions so I can rationally deal with them because right now I am at my wits end.
My mother has my daughter today, and for that I am thankful. I am also thankful that next week I have a doctors appointment so that we can adjust medication. Until then I will do what I always do, take a day to be emotional and let everything out, then move on. There is stuff that needs to be done, even if I just want to hide under my covers all day.
I know this post is heavy. I try to not talk about this part of my life, but sometimes it is good to get it out in the open.
Soon more creative stuff, but for right now tea and bed.